I recently read an article about a little experiment that was conducted. Some company intentionaly "lost" 50 smart phones. They purposely labled files with "HR" "Banking" "Passwords" and "Personal files". They were able to track where these phones went, and how they were being used.
They concluded that most people tried to access the personal files. Even those people who tried to contact the owner to return the phone.
The results were pretty disturbing. Basically they say that everyone is prone to a dark side, especially when it's so easy to do what's wrong... Well, call me optimistic, but I would like to disagree.
The thing is, I'm sure I wouldn't have peeked at the personal info. I like to believe that I'd have just tried to track down the owner, or turn the phone over to authorities. The absolute truth is that I wouldn't have even considered rummaging around someone's phone. The thought makes me uncomfortable. I just don't think to do things like that because I was raised with a clear understanding or right/wrong.
I am not trying to sound like a goody-two-shoes. I'm being totally honest. Here's what really bothers me, though. Will I be able to instill these same beliefs in my own children? Would they pass this test? If they don't, have I failed in some way as a parent?
How do young parents address these new parenting territories that technology has introduced? It's a whole new ballgame than when my parents raised me... It's pretty overwhelming.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
A new chapter of my life begins
...in less than two days. Thursday morning I will be downtown at the courthouse, dissolving my marriage, seeking a custody agreement for my son, and establishing child support. In less than two days, my only relationship with Eli's father will only be in the best interests of Eli. I will be so thankful to have a court order in place to protect Eli and myself. After Thursday, any crap that he'd like to pull will stop short because of our court order. Of course, it continues to be my greatest hope that he grows up and takes some responsibility. The sad truth, though, is I have no idea what he is capable of. He was my best friend of 7 years. He was my husband for over 3. He is the father of my child... and he's a complete stranger. Do you know how terrifying that can be? Who did I marry? What is going on in his head? What is he capable of?
Of course there is a huge element of the unknown going into Thursday. This is my first divorce (and I pray to God, my last!). I have no idea what to expect. What if he does get something? What if I do have to send my child to visit every other weekend, and all of the summer? It is going to break my heart... I have been Eli's sole caregiver for over 2 years, now... To have someone swoop in and say "Sorry, here's how it's going to be." Also, how am I supposed to cope with the fact that I will have NO IDEA what is going on when he's at his dad's house? I mean, his family scares me, honestly. The things they do/say. The way they treat children... Their hatred of me. What would they do or say in front of my baby? I can't protect him from that. Maybe I am overreacting. You know what? I hope I am... But what if I'm not?
Anyway, I am about 85% confident that I will be happy with whatever decision is reached on Thursday... I feel like I have been walking on eggshells for the past 2 years.
This should be interesting.
Of course there is a huge element of the unknown going into Thursday. This is my first divorce (and I pray to God, my last!). I have no idea what to expect. What if he does get something? What if I do have to send my child to visit every other weekend, and all of the summer? It is going to break my heart... I have been Eli's sole caregiver for over 2 years, now... To have someone swoop in and say "Sorry, here's how it's going to be." Also, how am I supposed to cope with the fact that I will have NO IDEA what is going on when he's at his dad's house? I mean, his family scares me, honestly. The things they do/say. The way they treat children... Their hatred of me. What would they do or say in front of my baby? I can't protect him from that. Maybe I am overreacting. You know what? I hope I am... But what if I'm not?
Anyway, I am about 85% confident that I will be happy with whatever decision is reached on Thursday... I feel like I have been walking on eggshells for the past 2 years.
This should be interesting.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Out with the old and in with the new, Farewell 2011!
What can I say? I'm a slacker. I haven't posted in months, and I haven't worked out in as much time... however, the holidays have come and gone, and I'm pleased to announce that Santa brought me some help... For Christmas, our family recieved a Wii (plus a Wii Fit, Just Dance, and The Biggest Loser). All of which I have played the past few days. I've made some goals. I've created my Wii Fit profile. I've finished off the last piece of chocolate in the house... Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am well on my way (again!) to a happier and healthier me! Suffice it to say, I've already started my New Year's Resolution, and I've no intention on ever giving up on myself.
I've hit sort of a slump, recently. My divorce/custody battle has stalled yet again, and I'm really losing steam. I will never stop fighting for my son, and for what I believe to be right... however, it's really hard when I work my butt off, and I'm nowhere closer to finishing this than I was a year ago. It's very disheartening.
In happier news, I have a week off of work, so I plan to relax, and spend lots and lots of time with my precious boy. I'm going to try really hard to not get worried and bent out of shape by the things I have no control over (money, divorce, BD drama, etc.) Instead, I'm going to continue focusing on my positives. I have a beautiful, happy (mostly healthy) son. I have an incredible family. I am surrounded by people who love and support me. I have FAITH (I can't tell you how many times that one has saved my butt). I have a job. I have food. I have a roof over my head. God has granted me one more day to better myself, and who am I to disappoint Him?
Speaking of faith, funny thing... It seems cyclical, almost, how my faith life waxes and wanes. I'm tired of it, really. So, not only is it my goal to be healthier physically, but also mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I am going to work very hard at this, because God has seen me through my darkest days (and they were pretty dark at times). We're going to start going to church regularly again. It always has a profound affect on my life, in benefits that I can see immediately. Why deny myself something that ultimately makes me so happy, so positive, and the blessings just keep coming? Yes, it is a hassle to get a 2 year old ready for services in the a.m. and yes, it is a hassle to keep a squirmy toddler from screaming... but it's so worth it.
I am happy to say that while I have not lost a significant amount of weight... I haven't gained, either. Actually, I'm about 10 lbs. lighter than I believed myself to be, so overall that's a winner. It's a good place to start. I'm about 10 lbs. away from my pre-pregnancy weight. (But why stop there??)
I've hit sort of a slump, recently. My divorce/custody battle has stalled yet again, and I'm really losing steam. I will never stop fighting for my son, and for what I believe to be right... however, it's really hard when I work my butt off, and I'm nowhere closer to finishing this than I was a year ago. It's very disheartening.
In happier news, I have a week off of work, so I plan to relax, and spend lots and lots of time with my precious boy. I'm going to try really hard to not get worried and bent out of shape by the things I have no control over (money, divorce, BD drama, etc.) Instead, I'm going to continue focusing on my positives. I have a beautiful, happy (mostly healthy) son. I have an incredible family. I am surrounded by people who love and support me. I have FAITH (I can't tell you how many times that one has saved my butt). I have a job. I have food. I have a roof over my head. God has granted me one more day to better myself, and who am I to disappoint Him?
Speaking of faith, funny thing... It seems cyclical, almost, how my faith life waxes and wanes. I'm tired of it, really. So, not only is it my goal to be healthier physically, but also mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I am going to work very hard at this, because God has seen me through my darkest days (and they were pretty dark at times). We're going to start going to church regularly again. It always has a profound affect on my life, in benefits that I can see immediately. Why deny myself something that ultimately makes me so happy, so positive, and the blessings just keep coming? Yes, it is a hassle to get a 2 year old ready for services in the a.m. and yes, it is a hassle to keep a squirmy toddler from screaming... but it's so worth it.
I am happy to say that while I have not lost a significant amount of weight... I haven't gained, either. Actually, I'm about 10 lbs. lighter than I believed myself to be, so overall that's a winner. It's a good place to start. I'm about 10 lbs. away from my pre-pregnancy weight. (But why stop there??)
Monday, September 5, 2011
It's that time of year again
when pools close, the kids are back in school, and we see birds making their way south. The days are cooler, and shorter. I am so so excited! Fall is my absolute favorite time of year! And, as much fun as Elijah was a year ago, he is much more independant, now. He is bigger, he is sturdier, and he's running. Outdoor activities are going to be so much more fun, now. I can't wait to share some of my favorite things with him! I have so much planned for these next few months. Time is precious.
I am back in school now. That coupled with working 40 hours/week, and I am seriously missing out on my bubba-time. That means that the time I do have with him needs to be cherished. I won't take for granted time with my son. Today we spent much of the morning at a local park with some good friends. Then we walked around a lake, and adjoining neighborhood. The weather was gorgeous, and I crave more fall-like days like this! High of 75. Sunny. Breezy. Tonight I even got to wear a jacket. I'm a huge dork, I know, but I adore this.
So here's the plan to make the most of our fall season...
First of all, we're going to be spending more quality time with family and friends. Elijah is going to have more playdates, and Mommy is going to spend time with more mommies.
We get to go apple picking. Spend as many days at the park that we can cram in. Work in a trip to the zoo now that it isn't 100+ outside with humidity suffocating us. Go to a pumpkin patch, preferably one with a hay maze; secure one mommy-sized and one baby-sized pumpkin. Go for lots and lots of walks with Nana. Spend times out on the deck with the fire pit. Make chili for football Sundays.
I have been in the best mood all weekend, and there are two major contributing factors... my son, and this gorgeous weather.
In other news, I'll be hopefully starting a study group on how to become a more positive mommy. I've already made the promise to myself and Elijah that I'm not going to let negativity and stinkin' thinkin' run my life anymore. From here on out, whatever happens in our lives will be in God's hands. He has worked miracles in my life that I can't ignore. He has taken care of us, and He will continue to take care of us.
School is going well. I was so scared, but I'm happy to be taking classes again. I even enjoy doing homework. ;) Work is awesome. I love my job. How many people are blessed enough to say that? Physically, I've taken a blow, but I know now to put that, too, in God's hands. He will heal me. It may not be a schedule I'd prefer, but it will happen.
Other than that, baby boy and I are doing wonderfully well. He is growing so big, and talking up a storm. We've traded in his 2t summer clothes for 3t fall clothes. He's growing like a weed, almost too much for me to keep up. I'm already looking into Christmas and his 2nd birthday. I know it's months down the road, but when you're broke, you tend to look at things more long term. I think I'll be saving up for a decent party for him, and I believe I'll be putting big ticket items on a layaway plan. I want to give my special little guy the holiday/birthday he deserves. He's changed my life. I can sure celebrate him because of it.
I am back in school now. That coupled with working 40 hours/week, and I am seriously missing out on my bubba-time. That means that the time I do have with him needs to be cherished. I won't take for granted time with my son. Today we spent much of the morning at a local park with some good friends. Then we walked around a lake, and adjoining neighborhood. The weather was gorgeous, and I crave more fall-like days like this! High of 75. Sunny. Breezy. Tonight I even got to wear a jacket. I'm a huge dork, I know, but I adore this.
So here's the plan to make the most of our fall season...
First of all, we're going to be spending more quality time with family and friends. Elijah is going to have more playdates, and Mommy is going to spend time with more mommies.
We get to go apple picking. Spend as many days at the park that we can cram in. Work in a trip to the zoo now that it isn't 100+ outside with humidity suffocating us. Go to a pumpkin patch, preferably one with a hay maze; secure one mommy-sized and one baby-sized pumpkin. Go for lots and lots of walks with Nana. Spend times out on the deck with the fire pit. Make chili for football Sundays.
I have been in the best mood all weekend, and there are two major contributing factors... my son, and this gorgeous weather.
In other news, I'll be hopefully starting a study group on how to become a more positive mommy. I've already made the promise to myself and Elijah that I'm not going to let negativity and stinkin' thinkin' run my life anymore. From here on out, whatever happens in our lives will be in God's hands. He has worked miracles in my life that I can't ignore. He has taken care of us, and He will continue to take care of us.
School is going well. I was so scared, but I'm happy to be taking classes again. I even enjoy doing homework. ;) Work is awesome. I love my job. How many people are blessed enough to say that? Physically, I've taken a blow, but I know now to put that, too, in God's hands. He will heal me. It may not be a schedule I'd prefer, but it will happen.
Other than that, baby boy and I are doing wonderfully well. He is growing so big, and talking up a storm. We've traded in his 2t summer clothes for 3t fall clothes. He's growing like a weed, almost too much for me to keep up. I'm already looking into Christmas and his 2nd birthday. I know it's months down the road, but when you're broke, you tend to look at things more long term. I think I'll be saving up for a decent party for him, and I believe I'll be putting big ticket items on a layaway plan. I want to give my special little guy the holiday/birthday he deserves. He's changed my life. I can sure celebrate him because of it.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
I'm still here!
I completely forgot about this media in my life; and so much as been going on, too. First of all, my lawyer has drafted my settlement papers. Yes, I am that much closer to being divorced. It has already been over a year that I left my husband. As a kid, divorce was such a depressing/taboo subject for me. I swore I'd never make the mistake of marrying someone other than my soulmate. Now here I am, 24 years old, and I am giddy about the impending legalities. On some level, yes, it saddens me. On the other hand, I have a gorgeous son. I have a wonderful job. I have found God again. I am healing physically. I am healing mentally. I am going back to school... I mean my goodness, I have made a complete 180 from where I was a year ago! Yes, my marriage fell apart. Yes, it was built on a stack of lies that I was unaware of... but it has given me reason and momentum to change my life for the better, and by-golly that's what I'm doing! So yes, we're celebrating this Friday with Happy Hour ;)
Weight loss has hit a plateau. I am stuck at the same weight, and I've really lost drive recently from being sick. However, I am back in, and I am focused. I just got back from the grocery store with lots of whole grains and fresh fruits. No soda. Minimal junk food (it's a start, believe me). I'm thrilled that I am not gaining anymore, but it's time to get serious again and start losing more weight. I have to be in shape for when I'm ready to date again (easy, there's no timeframe here)...
Finally, the most important part of my whole life... my precious son. We spent last night in the ER. While I was cooking dinner, Pumpkin got into the pantry, and ended up dropping a can of peaches on his poor little piggy. I was a wreck, but I managed to get him to the ER where he got two stitches in his cute little toe. He was a trooper! He was so so brave! He only cried because it was past his bedtime, and he was exhausted. I cannot tell you how proud I am of him. I cannot tell you how much my heart broke knowing how much pain my baby was in, and all the "What if's" and "If only's" that have been going through my head since the incident. Also, we are waiting to see if he'll contract chicken pox (long story), but it will be an interesting week for our little family!
Looking forward to this next week. I'll have some one-on-one time with my boy, plus some much needed girl-time at the end of the week. Plus, it's the end of July, so we're that much closer to ending summer, and getting back-to-school (you better believe I'm excited! Class for me starts August 30th)
Weight loss has hit a plateau. I am stuck at the same weight, and I've really lost drive recently from being sick. However, I am back in, and I am focused. I just got back from the grocery store with lots of whole grains and fresh fruits. No soda. Minimal junk food (it's a start, believe me). I'm thrilled that I am not gaining anymore, but it's time to get serious again and start losing more weight. I have to be in shape for when I'm ready to date again (easy, there's no timeframe here)...
Finally, the most important part of my whole life... my precious son. We spent last night in the ER. While I was cooking dinner, Pumpkin got into the pantry, and ended up dropping a can of peaches on his poor little piggy. I was a wreck, but I managed to get him to the ER where he got two stitches in his cute little toe. He was a trooper! He was so so brave! He only cried because it was past his bedtime, and he was exhausted. I cannot tell you how proud I am of him. I cannot tell you how much my heart broke knowing how much pain my baby was in, and all the "What if's" and "If only's" that have been going through my head since the incident. Also, we are waiting to see if he'll contract chicken pox (long story), but it will be an interesting week for our little family!
Looking forward to this next week. I'll have some one-on-one time with my boy, plus some much needed girl-time at the end of the week. Plus, it's the end of July, so we're that much closer to ending summer, and getting back-to-school (you better believe I'm excited! Class for me starts August 30th)
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Baby Fever, and other stories
Let me start off by saying that I had surgery this past Friday. I am still very sore, but I am doing better. I had my gall bladder removed, lapriscoplically. It looks like I've been stabbed four times. Two of the incisions are healing nicely, but the other two are giving me some issues. At least one of them is bruised. Anyway, as a single mom, I have been very blessed to have my parents and my sister help out. My sister is currently on a very much deserved vacation with her family, but my parents have really stepped in to help Eli and I out. I am eternally grateful. I would not be on the mend, and as such, unable to return to work next week. So, THANK YOU EVERYONE WHO HAS HELPED ME WITH MY SURGERY! What's funny is that my son's father, who has no idea what his son has been up to, most likely has no idea that I had surgery. I don't expect him to care about what's going on with me, but you would think he'd want to know who was caring for his son?
Also, since this blog was begun, I had made some promises to myself... promises I have not been adhering to... I have not been dieting and exercising like I had started. I put a few pounds back on, but I haven't gone over the 290 lbs. mark, yet. I'm hoping once I heal, to jump back on the wagon. I will be trying a free two weeks at a local gym. That may be all I need to get my butt back in gear. My goal, now, is to get a body that I love, so after my divorce is final, I can enter the dating scene once again. That gives me a goal, and a realistic time frame. Of course, my main source of motivation continues to be my precious son, which brings me to the meat and potatoes of this entry...
I have BABY FEVER like you wouldn't believe! A close friend just had her second baby. I have two cousins who are both expecting. I would love for my sister to start trying for her second (even though I'm aware it is none of my business), and I have a bunch of online buddies who are preggo, or trying to concieve. Please, believe me, I am well aware of my own situation. I am still married. I am getting over a serious relationship. I am living with my parents. I am financially, emotionally, physically unstable for another child. I'm not even dating, or considering dating... So I know better, trust me. I'm not going to go get knocked-up, though God knows I can't wait to have more kids!
I love being a mom. I adore being a mom. Being a mom is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. My precious son is my whole world. He is the center of my universe. I feel like I'm cheating both of us out of a beautiful experience by wishing and hoping to have another baby. So, I have been doing some thinking, and I find this a great cure to my baby fever. Here goes...
1. Enjoy the time I have with Elijah. I am realizing more and more each day that time with my son is more precious than I can imagine. I swear, today, he's already grown 3 more inches since yesterday. He's growing too big, too fast. I don't want to waste another minute. I want to savor these days, before he's grown and off to college by the next time I blink.
2. Enjoy being able to spoil Eli. I won't get to when I have more kids. I can spoil Eli as much as I want, without feeling guilty.
3. Looking foward to future events. Elijah is at such a fun age, now. He's more independant, he's communicating more... I can now realize all the magic of my own childhood with my son. Holidays are going to be a hundred times more incredible... and look, we have the Fourth of July right around the corner! Summer vacation... swimming, playing outside, fire flies, summer thunder storms, baseball games, snow cones, etc. I can't even tell you how excited I am for Halloween and Christmas this year!
4. I am going back to school this fall! This is huge. I have been missing school for years, now, and I finally get to go back. The difficulty with two or more kids would be ridiculous, even with a strong man at my side to help out...
I am so blessed, and I'm quick to look past those blessings to see what I want for the future. My son is growing up without me. I'm missing out on these beautiful times that are right around me. I'm tired of wishing my life away. I'm ready to start living it. So yes, while I want badly to have more kids, I am so content enjoying life with just me and my beautiful little boy.
I AM BLESSED!
Also, since this blog was begun, I had made some promises to myself... promises I have not been adhering to... I have not been dieting and exercising like I had started. I put a few pounds back on, but I haven't gone over the 290 lbs. mark, yet. I'm hoping once I heal, to jump back on the wagon. I will be trying a free two weeks at a local gym. That may be all I need to get my butt back in gear. My goal, now, is to get a body that I love, so after my divorce is final, I can enter the dating scene once again. That gives me a goal, and a realistic time frame. Of course, my main source of motivation continues to be my precious son, which brings me to the meat and potatoes of this entry...
I have BABY FEVER like you wouldn't believe! A close friend just had her second baby. I have two cousins who are both expecting. I would love for my sister to start trying for her second (even though I'm aware it is none of my business), and I have a bunch of online buddies who are preggo, or trying to concieve. Please, believe me, I am well aware of my own situation. I am still married. I am getting over a serious relationship. I am living with my parents. I am financially, emotionally, physically unstable for another child. I'm not even dating, or considering dating... So I know better, trust me. I'm not going to go get knocked-up, though God knows I can't wait to have more kids!
I love being a mom. I adore being a mom. Being a mom is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. My precious son is my whole world. He is the center of my universe. I feel like I'm cheating both of us out of a beautiful experience by wishing and hoping to have another baby. So, I have been doing some thinking, and I find this a great cure to my baby fever. Here goes...
1. Enjoy the time I have with Elijah. I am realizing more and more each day that time with my son is more precious than I can imagine. I swear, today, he's already grown 3 more inches since yesterday. He's growing too big, too fast. I don't want to waste another minute. I want to savor these days, before he's grown and off to college by the next time I blink.
2. Enjoy being able to spoil Eli. I won't get to when I have more kids. I can spoil Eli as much as I want, without feeling guilty.
3. Looking foward to future events. Elijah is at such a fun age, now. He's more independant, he's communicating more... I can now realize all the magic of my own childhood with my son. Holidays are going to be a hundred times more incredible... and look, we have the Fourth of July right around the corner! Summer vacation... swimming, playing outside, fire flies, summer thunder storms, baseball games, snow cones, etc. I can't even tell you how excited I am for Halloween and Christmas this year!
4. I am going back to school this fall! This is huge. I have been missing school for years, now, and I finally get to go back. The difficulty with two or more kids would be ridiculous, even with a strong man at my side to help out...
I am so blessed, and I'm quick to look past those blessings to see what I want for the future. My son is growing up without me. I'm missing out on these beautiful times that are right around me. I'm tired of wishing my life away. I'm ready to start living it. So yes, while I want badly to have more kids, I am so content enjoying life with just me and my beautiful little boy.
I AM BLESSED!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Biggest Loser
That's right! I have joined a "Biggest Loser"-esque weight loss program at my church. I am beyond excited about this. I am on a team with (currently) seven other women, plus our group leader. We are competing against other teams for the next 8 weeks.
This is what I need.
Giving up soda was a good start, but it didn't amount to much (that was tangible, at least). On the upside, I can't drink soda anymore. It tastes disgusting to me, now, and it makes my stomach hurt. However, I had lost about 4 lbs, and as far as I can tell I gained 2 lbs back.
Today was Day 1. As of our first weigh in, I am (dear God...) 292 lbs. I have set longterm and shorterm goals for myself. Well, I'm going. Longterm, I want to lose about 120 lbs. Shorterm, I haven't gotten that far. I'm going to take it one day at a time, though. This week (not counting tonight) I will walk 30 minutes each day. Elijah's bedtime is 8pm, so it will have to be then. In the mornings that I don't work, I can get in some workout time while Eli snacks, but that won't be much time.
I am going to be thinner and healthier, and this next 8 weeks is the start of a new life for me.
In divorce news, I haven't heard from Zack in a month. He hasn't even checked on Elijah, not once. How this man thinks he is still a "father" is beyond me.
Mother's Day is around the corner. For all of the other single mamas out there, Happy Mother's Day from me. My son is too young to recognize this holiday, so this one will pass unnoticed, but I know he loves me, and there are future holidays to get burnt toast and cold tea in bed, and handful of weed flowers. I look forward to them all. :)
I was offered a full-time position at work, too... The blessings keep coming. God is good, all the time.
This is what I need.
Giving up soda was a good start, but it didn't amount to much (that was tangible, at least). On the upside, I can't drink soda anymore. It tastes disgusting to me, now, and it makes my stomach hurt. However, I had lost about 4 lbs, and as far as I can tell I gained 2 lbs back.
Today was Day 1. As of our first weigh in, I am (dear God...) 292 lbs. I have set longterm and shorterm goals for myself. Well, I'm going. Longterm, I want to lose about 120 lbs. Shorterm, I haven't gotten that far. I'm going to take it one day at a time, though. This week (not counting tonight) I will walk 30 minutes each day. Elijah's bedtime is 8pm, so it will have to be then. In the mornings that I don't work, I can get in some workout time while Eli snacks, but that won't be much time.
I am going to be thinner and healthier, and this next 8 weeks is the start of a new life for me.
In divorce news, I haven't heard from Zack in a month. He hasn't even checked on Elijah, not once. How this man thinks he is still a "father" is beyond me.
Mother's Day is around the corner. For all of the other single mamas out there, Happy Mother's Day from me. My son is too young to recognize this holiday, so this one will pass unnoticed, but I know he loves me, and there are future holidays to get burnt toast and cold tea in bed, and handful of weed flowers. I look forward to them all. :)
I was offered a full-time position at work, too... The blessings keep coming. God is good, all the time.
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