...I am finally committed to changing my unhealthy lifestyle. I have not touched a soda since last week. I used to drink soda like it was life-giving nectar. I was an addict. I'm still going through withdrawals. The crazy thing is, I have sworn to never take depression meds, because it disgusted me how they affected my body. I became so dependent on them, that if I missed a dose, my body went through these nasty withdrawals. I guess I never lumped caffine-laced, sugary sodas in that category... because I am going 3 days without it and I am still fighting these migraines. :(
I am tired of being fat. I am tired of being lifeless. I am tired of watching everyone around me do things that I cannot do. I am tired of being ashamed. My sweet baby doesn't deserve a whale for a mother. He deserves a young, vibrant mom who can keep up with him.
I think what has really clicked for me is that this won't be an overnight change. I think I'm prepared for that. So, this time, I am starting slow. I've given up sodas completely. Usually I would have caved. Today, several times I was seconds away from getting a soda, and each time, at the last minute, I decided against it. I kept viewing that as failure. I convince myself that "just one more" is not going to hurt, and as I've nearly talked myself into cheating, I opt out. I thought "Here is my great weakness, it's only a matter of time before I fail" until it dawned on me. "I haven't failed. I haven't failed yet, and I won't." It's not a failure, but a success, that from the brink of temptation, I've succeeded in my goals so far.
Yeah, it's only been three days, but it's three days of strength, and that's more than I've ever had.
In other news... I've been offered a contract for the next school year, so for now, I am safe from layoffs. My court date is looming, and I am anxious to get this over with. My ex in-laws have taken on a new, creepy approach to keeping tabs on my life, and it is very off-putting. Also, my surgery is just days away, now. Let's hope this one sticks. I am anxious for this physical pain to be over with.
I am rocking this newer, healthier me. I just pray it sticks.
I'm not doing this for myself, anymore... I'm doing this for Elijah. I owe him that much, at least.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Under Construction
Me, though, not this blog... My whole life is under construction. Honestly, though, does that really ever change? Ever since I've gotten health coverage back (since my son was born), I've been fitting in doctor's appointments left and right. Hell, I'd sign up for a prostate exam, and I don't even have one! I'm finally getting my gallbladder taken care of.
Yeah. Been dealing with that one for over a year now. If you've never experienced it, please, let me enlighten you. It is bring-me-to-my-knees-crying-and-screaming pain. I was all set up for surgery this past Tuesday to get the little sucker removed. I was being prepped for surgery when I found out my liver was causing issues, and the surgery was to be cancelled. Now I don't know what to think. Is there something serious with my liver, now? When do I get my surgery. I don't want to risk another attack. Not to mention, I took three precious days off of work for this, and that is money out the window.
I got to see the dentist after (gasp) five years. I only had one, small cavity. Not too bad. I can't tell you how excited I was for my dentist appointment. Oh, and I saw my OB/GYN today. First time since my son's birth (sorry, gents). That, too, was exciting (never mind that I haven't been touched at all in the past nine months, but that's not the point here). The point is that I am getting checked out. I am getting the all clear. I am taking care of myself, because I want a better quality of life for myself then I've previously had.
I've got the ball rolling on going back to school, too. I start this coming Fall! Ah, to be back in school! I can't wait. I am so excited.
I'm doing things right. I'm doing exactly what I need to be doing for my son and for myself. Now, if I could just get this ugly divorce behind me. It's going to be interesting to see how the "new, improved me" handles on first dates... Ugh. One thing I'm not so sure about. But that's a long way down the road. I'm nowhere close to putting myself out there, again... and that's good, isn't it? That's what I should be doing.
Yeah. Been dealing with that one for over a year now. If you've never experienced it, please, let me enlighten you. It is bring-me-to-my-knees-crying-and-screaming pain. I was all set up for surgery this past Tuesday to get the little sucker removed. I was being prepped for surgery when I found out my liver was causing issues, and the surgery was to be cancelled. Now I don't know what to think. Is there something serious with my liver, now? When do I get my surgery. I don't want to risk another attack. Not to mention, I took three precious days off of work for this, and that is money out the window.
I got to see the dentist after (gasp) five years. I only had one, small cavity. Not too bad. I can't tell you how excited I was for my dentist appointment. Oh, and I saw my OB/GYN today. First time since my son's birth (sorry, gents). That, too, was exciting (never mind that I haven't been touched at all in the past nine months, but that's not the point here). The point is that I am getting checked out. I am getting the all clear. I am taking care of myself, because I want a better quality of life for myself then I've previously had.
I've got the ball rolling on going back to school, too. I start this coming Fall! Ah, to be back in school! I can't wait. I am so excited.
I'm doing things right. I'm doing exactly what I need to be doing for my son and for myself. Now, if I could just get this ugly divorce behind me. It's going to be interesting to see how the "new, improved me" handles on first dates... Ugh. One thing I'm not so sure about. But that's a long way down the road. I'm nowhere close to putting myself out there, again... and that's good, isn't it? That's what I should be doing.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Welcome!
To those brave souls who have ventured to my first attempt at blogging... I haven't quite decided on what direction of my life this blog will take. It won't be political, I can promise that much. Though I have very strong opinions, politically, I do not feel the need to stand on a podium and spout them. Besides, there are way more qualified people to rant.
I could take the "My husband left me, and now I'm a single, working mother" route. Honestly, this is probably what I will talk about the most, but I want to be inspirational, positive, and hopeful. I don't want this to turn into a "woe is me" deal. Nobody wants to read that, unless you get your kicks from the less fortunate.
My life has taken a new spiritual turn. I may venture more into this area of my life, but for now it's kind of on the back-burner.
There's many facets, let me just say that.
So, my husband left me. Physically, I left him, but emotionally and mentally, he had checked out long before. I packed up my son, and our few belongings, and moved back in with my folks. Yes. I am a twenty-something mom who lives with her parents. There seems to be more and more of us these days. My son, my angel, is 14 months old. His father was apart of his life for the first 5 months. The kid really doesn't know his dad. My husband, Zack, told me after I had already moved out "You know, Michelle, I didn't ask to be a husband and a father. I wasn't ready for it." That's fine. He wants to live with his own parents, unemployed, playing video games for a few more decades. Don't get me wrong. I'm not knocking video games. I've been dying to get my hands on an XBox 360!
Well, we've been making it work, my son and I. His father comes and goes as he pleases. I've sued him for divorce/custody. We'll see where that path goes. For now, my life is starting to take shape, and I'm working my ass off to be the best mom for that little angel.
I could take the "My husband left me, and now I'm a single, working mother" route. Honestly, this is probably what I will talk about the most, but I want to be inspirational, positive, and hopeful. I don't want this to turn into a "woe is me" deal. Nobody wants to read that, unless you get your kicks from the less fortunate.
My life has taken a new spiritual turn. I may venture more into this area of my life, but for now it's kind of on the back-burner.
There's many facets, let me just say that.
So, my husband left me. Physically, I left him, but emotionally and mentally, he had checked out long before. I packed up my son, and our few belongings, and moved back in with my folks. Yes. I am a twenty-something mom who lives with her parents. There seems to be more and more of us these days. My son, my angel, is 14 months old. His father was apart of his life for the first 5 months. The kid really doesn't know his dad. My husband, Zack, told me after I had already moved out "You know, Michelle, I didn't ask to be a husband and a father. I wasn't ready for it." That's fine. He wants to live with his own parents, unemployed, playing video games for a few more decades. Don't get me wrong. I'm not knocking video games. I've been dying to get my hands on an XBox 360!
Well, we've been making it work, my son and I. His father comes and goes as he pleases. I've sued him for divorce/custody. We'll see where that path goes. For now, my life is starting to take shape, and I'm working my ass off to be the best mom for that little angel.
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