I think this is it...

...I am finally committed to changing my unhealthy lifestyle. I have not touched a soda since last week. I used to drink soda like it was life-giving nectar. I was an addict. I'm still going through withdrawals. The crazy thing is, I have sworn to never take depression meds, because it disgusted me how they affected my body. I became so dependent on them, that if I missed a dose, my body went through these nasty withdrawals. I guess I never lumped caffine-laced, sugary sodas in that category... because I am going 3 days without it and I am still fighting these migraines. :(

I am tired of being fat. I am tired of being lifeless. I am tired of watching everyone around me do things that I cannot do. I am tired of being ashamed. My sweet baby doesn't deserve a whale for a mother. He deserves a young, vibrant mom who can keep up with him.

I think what has really clicked for me is that this won't be an overnight change. I think I'm prepared for that. So, this time, I am starting slow. I've given up sodas completely. Usually I would have caved. Today, several times I was seconds away from getting a soda, and each time, at the last minute, I decided against it. I kept viewing that as failure. I convince myself that "just one more" is not going to hurt, and as I've nearly talked myself into cheating, I opt out. I thought "Here is my great weakness, it's only a matter of time before I fail" until it dawned on me. "I haven't failed. I haven't failed yet, and I won't." It's not a failure, but a success, that from the brink of temptation, I've succeeded in my goals so far.

Yeah, it's only been three days, but it's three days of strength, and that's more than I've ever had.

In other news... I've been offered a contract for the next school year, so for now, I am safe from layoffs. My court date is looming, and I am anxious to get this over with. My ex in-laws have taken on a new, creepy approach to keeping tabs on my life, and it is very off-putting. Also, my surgery is just days away, now. Let's hope this one sticks. I am anxious for this physical pain to be over with.

I am rocking this newer, healthier me. I just pray it sticks.

I'm not doing this for myself, anymore... I'm doing this for Elijah. I owe him that much, at least.