Let me start off by saying that I had surgery this past Friday. I am still very sore, but I am doing better. I had my gall bladder removed, lapriscoplically. It looks like I've been stabbed four times. Two of the incisions are healing nicely, but the other two are giving me some issues. At least one of them is bruised. Anyway, as a single mom, I have been very blessed to have my parents and my sister help out. My sister is currently on a very much deserved vacation with her family, but my parents have really stepped in to help Eli and I out. I am eternally grateful. I would not be on the mend, and as such, unable to return to work next week. So, THANK YOU EVERYONE WHO HAS HELPED ME WITH MY SURGERY! What's funny is that my son's father, who has no idea what his son has been up to, most likely has no idea that I had surgery. I don't expect him to care about what's going on with me, but you would think he'd want to know who was caring for his son?
Also, since this blog was begun, I had made some promises to myself... promises I have not been adhering to... I have not been dieting and exercising like I had started. I put a few pounds back on, but I haven't gone over the 290 lbs. mark, yet. I'm hoping once I heal, to jump back on the wagon. I will be trying a free two weeks at a local gym. That may be all I need to get my butt back in gear. My goal, now, is to get a body that I love, so after my divorce is final, I can enter the dating scene once again. That gives me a goal, and a realistic time frame. Of course, my main source of motivation continues to be my precious son, which brings me to the meat and potatoes of this entry...
I have BABY FEVER like you wouldn't believe! A close friend just had her second baby. I have two cousins who are both expecting. I would love for my sister to start trying for her second (even though I'm aware it is none of my business), and I have a bunch of online buddies who are preggo, or trying to concieve. Please, believe me, I am well aware of my own situation. I am still married. I am getting over a serious relationship. I am living with my parents. I am financially, emotionally, physically unstable for another child. I'm not even dating, or considering dating... So I know better, trust me. I'm not going to go get knocked-up, though God knows I can't wait to have more kids!
I love being a mom. I adore being a mom. Being a mom is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. My precious son is my whole world. He is the center of my universe. I feel like I'm cheating both of us out of a beautiful experience by wishing and hoping to have another baby. So, I have been doing some thinking, and I find this a great cure to my baby fever. Here goes...
1. Enjoy the time I have with Elijah. I am realizing more and more each day that time with my son is more precious than I can imagine. I swear, today, he's already grown 3 more inches since yesterday. He's growing too big, too fast. I don't want to waste another minute. I want to savor these days, before he's grown and off to college by the next time I blink.
2. Enjoy being able to spoil Eli. I won't get to when I have more kids. I can spoil Eli as much as I want, without feeling guilty.
3. Looking foward to future events. Elijah is at such a fun age, now. He's more independant, he's communicating more... I can now realize all the magic of my own childhood with my son. Holidays are going to be a hundred times more incredible... and look, we have the Fourth of July right around the corner! Summer vacation... swimming, playing outside, fire flies, summer thunder storms, baseball games, snow cones, etc. I can't even tell you how excited I am for Halloween and Christmas this year!
4. I am going back to school this fall! This is huge. I have been missing school for years, now, and I finally get to go back. The difficulty with two or more kids would be ridiculous, even with a strong man at my side to help out...
I am so blessed, and I'm quick to look past those blessings to see what I want for the future. My son is growing up without me. I'm missing out on these beautiful times that are right around me. I'm tired of wishing my life away. I'm ready to start living it. So yes, while I want badly to have more kids, I am so content enjoying life with just me and my beautiful little boy.
I AM BLESSED!
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Biggest Loser
That's right! I have joined a "Biggest Loser"-esque weight loss program at my church. I am beyond excited about this. I am on a team with (currently) seven other women, plus our group leader. We are competing against other teams for the next 8 weeks.
This is what I need.
Giving up soda was a good start, but it didn't amount to much (that was tangible, at least). On the upside, I can't drink soda anymore. It tastes disgusting to me, now, and it makes my stomach hurt. However, I had lost about 4 lbs, and as far as I can tell I gained 2 lbs back.
Today was Day 1. As of our first weigh in, I am (dear God...) 292 lbs. I have set longterm and shorterm goals for myself. Well, I'm going. Longterm, I want to lose about 120 lbs. Shorterm, I haven't gotten that far. I'm going to take it one day at a time, though. This week (not counting tonight) I will walk 30 minutes each day. Elijah's bedtime is 8pm, so it will have to be then. In the mornings that I don't work, I can get in some workout time while Eli snacks, but that won't be much time.
I am going to be thinner and healthier, and this next 8 weeks is the start of a new life for me.
In divorce news, I haven't heard from Zack in a month. He hasn't even checked on Elijah, not once. How this man thinks he is still a "father" is beyond me.
Mother's Day is around the corner. For all of the other single mamas out there, Happy Mother's Day from me. My son is too young to recognize this holiday, so this one will pass unnoticed, but I know he loves me, and there are future holidays to get burnt toast and cold tea in bed, and handful of weed flowers. I look forward to them all. :)
I was offered a full-time position at work, too... The blessings keep coming. God is good, all the time.
This is what I need.
Giving up soda was a good start, but it didn't amount to much (that was tangible, at least). On the upside, I can't drink soda anymore. It tastes disgusting to me, now, and it makes my stomach hurt. However, I had lost about 4 lbs, and as far as I can tell I gained 2 lbs back.
Today was Day 1. As of our first weigh in, I am (dear God...) 292 lbs. I have set longterm and shorterm goals for myself. Well, I'm going. Longterm, I want to lose about 120 lbs. Shorterm, I haven't gotten that far. I'm going to take it one day at a time, though. This week (not counting tonight) I will walk 30 minutes each day. Elijah's bedtime is 8pm, so it will have to be then. In the mornings that I don't work, I can get in some workout time while Eli snacks, but that won't be much time.
I am going to be thinner and healthier, and this next 8 weeks is the start of a new life for me.
In divorce news, I haven't heard from Zack in a month. He hasn't even checked on Elijah, not once. How this man thinks he is still a "father" is beyond me.
Mother's Day is around the corner. For all of the other single mamas out there, Happy Mother's Day from me. My son is too young to recognize this holiday, so this one will pass unnoticed, but I know he loves me, and there are future holidays to get burnt toast and cold tea in bed, and handful of weed flowers. I look forward to them all. :)
I was offered a full-time position at work, too... The blessings keep coming. God is good, all the time.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
I think this is it...
...I am finally committed to changing my unhealthy lifestyle. I have not touched a soda since last week. I used to drink soda like it was life-giving nectar. I was an addict. I'm still going through withdrawals. The crazy thing is, I have sworn to never take depression meds, because it disgusted me how they affected my body. I became so dependent on them, that if I missed a dose, my body went through these nasty withdrawals. I guess I never lumped caffine-laced, sugary sodas in that category... because I am going 3 days without it and I am still fighting these migraines. :(
I am tired of being fat. I am tired of being lifeless. I am tired of watching everyone around me do things that I cannot do. I am tired of being ashamed. My sweet baby doesn't deserve a whale for a mother. He deserves a young, vibrant mom who can keep up with him.
I think what has really clicked for me is that this won't be an overnight change. I think I'm prepared for that. So, this time, I am starting slow. I've given up sodas completely. Usually I would have caved. Today, several times I was seconds away from getting a soda, and each time, at the last minute, I decided against it. I kept viewing that as failure. I convince myself that "just one more" is not going to hurt, and as I've nearly talked myself into cheating, I opt out. I thought "Here is my great weakness, it's only a matter of time before I fail" until it dawned on me. "I haven't failed. I haven't failed yet, and I won't." It's not a failure, but a success, that from the brink of temptation, I've succeeded in my goals so far.
Yeah, it's only been three days, but it's three days of strength, and that's more than I've ever had.
In other news... I've been offered a contract for the next school year, so for now, I am safe from layoffs. My court date is looming, and I am anxious to get this over with. My ex in-laws have taken on a new, creepy approach to keeping tabs on my life, and it is very off-putting. Also, my surgery is just days away, now. Let's hope this one sticks. I am anxious for this physical pain to be over with.
I am rocking this newer, healthier me. I just pray it sticks.
I'm not doing this for myself, anymore... I'm doing this for Elijah. I owe him that much, at least.
I am tired of being fat. I am tired of being lifeless. I am tired of watching everyone around me do things that I cannot do. I am tired of being ashamed. My sweet baby doesn't deserve a whale for a mother. He deserves a young, vibrant mom who can keep up with him.
I think what has really clicked for me is that this won't be an overnight change. I think I'm prepared for that. So, this time, I am starting slow. I've given up sodas completely. Usually I would have caved. Today, several times I was seconds away from getting a soda, and each time, at the last minute, I decided against it. I kept viewing that as failure. I convince myself that "just one more" is not going to hurt, and as I've nearly talked myself into cheating, I opt out. I thought "Here is my great weakness, it's only a matter of time before I fail" until it dawned on me. "I haven't failed. I haven't failed yet, and I won't." It's not a failure, but a success, that from the brink of temptation, I've succeeded in my goals so far.
Yeah, it's only been three days, but it's three days of strength, and that's more than I've ever had.
In other news... I've been offered a contract for the next school year, so for now, I am safe from layoffs. My court date is looming, and I am anxious to get this over with. My ex in-laws have taken on a new, creepy approach to keeping tabs on my life, and it is very off-putting. Also, my surgery is just days away, now. Let's hope this one sticks. I am anxious for this physical pain to be over with.
I am rocking this newer, healthier me. I just pray it sticks.
I'm not doing this for myself, anymore... I'm doing this for Elijah. I owe him that much, at least.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Under Construction
Me, though, not this blog... My whole life is under construction. Honestly, though, does that really ever change? Ever since I've gotten health coverage back (since my son was born), I've been fitting in doctor's appointments left and right. Hell, I'd sign up for a prostate exam, and I don't even have one! I'm finally getting my gallbladder taken care of.
Yeah. Been dealing with that one for over a year now. If you've never experienced it, please, let me enlighten you. It is bring-me-to-my-knees-crying-and-screaming pain. I was all set up for surgery this past Tuesday to get the little sucker removed. I was being prepped for surgery when I found out my liver was causing issues, and the surgery was to be cancelled. Now I don't know what to think. Is there something serious with my liver, now? When do I get my surgery. I don't want to risk another attack. Not to mention, I took three precious days off of work for this, and that is money out the window.
I got to see the dentist after (gasp) five years. I only had one, small cavity. Not too bad. I can't tell you how excited I was for my dentist appointment. Oh, and I saw my OB/GYN today. First time since my son's birth (sorry, gents). That, too, was exciting (never mind that I haven't been touched at all in the past nine months, but that's not the point here). The point is that I am getting checked out. I am getting the all clear. I am taking care of myself, because I want a better quality of life for myself then I've previously had.
I've got the ball rolling on going back to school, too. I start this coming Fall! Ah, to be back in school! I can't wait. I am so excited.
I'm doing things right. I'm doing exactly what I need to be doing for my son and for myself. Now, if I could just get this ugly divorce behind me. It's going to be interesting to see how the "new, improved me" handles on first dates... Ugh. One thing I'm not so sure about. But that's a long way down the road. I'm nowhere close to putting myself out there, again... and that's good, isn't it? That's what I should be doing.
Yeah. Been dealing with that one for over a year now. If you've never experienced it, please, let me enlighten you. It is bring-me-to-my-knees-crying-and-screaming pain. I was all set up for surgery this past Tuesday to get the little sucker removed. I was being prepped for surgery when I found out my liver was causing issues, and the surgery was to be cancelled. Now I don't know what to think. Is there something serious with my liver, now? When do I get my surgery. I don't want to risk another attack. Not to mention, I took three precious days off of work for this, and that is money out the window.
I got to see the dentist after (gasp) five years. I only had one, small cavity. Not too bad. I can't tell you how excited I was for my dentist appointment. Oh, and I saw my OB/GYN today. First time since my son's birth (sorry, gents). That, too, was exciting (never mind that I haven't been touched at all in the past nine months, but that's not the point here). The point is that I am getting checked out. I am getting the all clear. I am taking care of myself, because I want a better quality of life for myself then I've previously had.
I've got the ball rolling on going back to school, too. I start this coming Fall! Ah, to be back in school! I can't wait. I am so excited.
I'm doing things right. I'm doing exactly what I need to be doing for my son and for myself. Now, if I could just get this ugly divorce behind me. It's going to be interesting to see how the "new, improved me" handles on first dates... Ugh. One thing I'm not so sure about. But that's a long way down the road. I'm nowhere close to putting myself out there, again... and that's good, isn't it? That's what I should be doing.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Welcome!
To those brave souls who have ventured to my first attempt at blogging... I haven't quite decided on what direction of my life this blog will take. It won't be political, I can promise that much. Though I have very strong opinions, politically, I do not feel the need to stand on a podium and spout them. Besides, there are way more qualified people to rant.
I could take the "My husband left me, and now I'm a single, working mother" route. Honestly, this is probably what I will talk about the most, but I want to be inspirational, positive, and hopeful. I don't want this to turn into a "woe is me" deal. Nobody wants to read that, unless you get your kicks from the less fortunate.
My life has taken a new spiritual turn. I may venture more into this area of my life, but for now it's kind of on the back-burner.
There's many facets, let me just say that.
So, my husband left me. Physically, I left him, but emotionally and mentally, he had checked out long before. I packed up my son, and our few belongings, and moved back in with my folks. Yes. I am a twenty-something mom who lives with her parents. There seems to be more and more of us these days. My son, my angel, is 14 months old. His father was apart of his life for the first 5 months. The kid really doesn't know his dad. My husband, Zack, told me after I had already moved out "You know, Michelle, I didn't ask to be a husband and a father. I wasn't ready for it." That's fine. He wants to live with his own parents, unemployed, playing video games for a few more decades. Don't get me wrong. I'm not knocking video games. I've been dying to get my hands on an XBox 360!
Well, we've been making it work, my son and I. His father comes and goes as he pleases. I've sued him for divorce/custody. We'll see where that path goes. For now, my life is starting to take shape, and I'm working my ass off to be the best mom for that little angel.
I could take the "My husband left me, and now I'm a single, working mother" route. Honestly, this is probably what I will talk about the most, but I want to be inspirational, positive, and hopeful. I don't want this to turn into a "woe is me" deal. Nobody wants to read that, unless you get your kicks from the less fortunate.
My life has taken a new spiritual turn. I may venture more into this area of my life, but for now it's kind of on the back-burner.
There's many facets, let me just say that.
So, my husband left me. Physically, I left him, but emotionally and mentally, he had checked out long before. I packed up my son, and our few belongings, and moved back in with my folks. Yes. I am a twenty-something mom who lives with her parents. There seems to be more and more of us these days. My son, my angel, is 14 months old. His father was apart of his life for the first 5 months. The kid really doesn't know his dad. My husband, Zack, told me after I had already moved out "You know, Michelle, I didn't ask to be a husband and a father. I wasn't ready for it." That's fine. He wants to live with his own parents, unemployed, playing video games for a few more decades. Don't get me wrong. I'm not knocking video games. I've been dying to get my hands on an XBox 360!
Well, we've been making it work, my son and I. His father comes and goes as he pleases. I've sued him for divorce/custody. We'll see where that path goes. For now, my life is starting to take shape, and I'm working my ass off to be the best mom for that little angel.
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